I write this post feeling slightly sorrowful for myself and a wee bit lost in the world. I guess it is normal to feel like that, but I’ve been feeling like I don’t have many close friends at all. I’m not sure why, honestly, but I’ll explain it as I go.
I moved across the globe in my tenth grade year and attended classes for a solid month as a regular tenth grader. In eleventh grade, I just began to take classes full time at a local college, so I couldn’t really spend time with the few people I became close with. My brain gets fuzzy as I try to write out a clear path to recognizing this. But I have had few close friendships in the near year I’ve been here- most of them fizzled out after a few months because I was busier. Lots of them happened over Snapchat and text messages- and went poof later because we couldn’t spend time together.
And there’s also Snapchat and Instagram, who make me feel like I’m wasting my life bent over a phone screen when I could be making friends out there, that my tongue is tying up and my brain power shriveling, that I gain nothing from it. But it’s the only way I stay connected. It limits me so much but is the only thing that lets me connect with people like me.
Isn’t that the allure of social media? Being able to stay connected with people who think just like you and comfort you when the world doesn’t go the way you want it to? Isn’t that the biggest boon and curse we have ever received?
Another reason why is because I pour myself into tasks, pour myself into reaching my goal of getting out of here and making a change in the world and it’s isolating at times realizing that I’m alone in that. It makes me question the point from time to time- why am I doing this if I can’t enjoy the present?
As I just wrote that last paragraph, it hit me real hard- my reason why. I don’t want to limit myself today because I don’t fit in. If I am working at a caliber above those around me and the only way to fit in is to drag myself down- I don’t want that.
On the other hand, it’s no fun feeling like no one understands you and that you don’t have friends. People think I am this bright, funny, kind girl who has everything going on for her- when in truth I just can’t share how hollow I feel at times. Worse part is that as I say this, it comes out worse than it makes me feel. I don’t feel like I have nothing to live for- my life is decent. I just feel like I’m missing out on having a normal high school life at times.
More on me not having friends in real life- occasionally, people will attempt to become closer with me, but I just don’t let them. I turn them down, keep to myself and generally try to move on. Not sure why I do this.
Maybe my issue is not in having no friends, because there are people I like and who like me back, but maybe in not having a group of friends. I’ve always focused on the smaller, one-to-one social interactions- maybe that’s why it’s so jarring not to have several meaningful connections.
Rereading what I wrote thus far, it’s pretty disjointed. In short- I feel like I don’t have close friends- because I have big dreams, because of social media, because of me. And that’s all.